Citing overwhelming negative feedback on the internet, Phish guitarist Trey Anastasio announced that Phish would no longer perform their epic song Time Turns Elastic. Fans on internet forums have been complaining about the song since it was introduced, and venue managers across the country have been blaming the song for several trampling incidents caused by mass rushes to the restrooms.
"You know, you just can't please everybody," said Anastasio. "We liked the song, but the custies don't, and we owe it to them to give them a good show. Time Turns Elastic was an ambitious composition that didn't translate well on stage. We're hoping that Fishman's new vuvuzela quartet is more to the crowd's liking."
Technorati tags: Phish, humor
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Musician's Dictionary
AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.
ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.
BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders
BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet
BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.
BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.
CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.
CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.
CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.
CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.
CLUBDATER: god's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.
CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.
CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.
DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.
ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.
JAZZ: the only true american art form beloved by europeans.
JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.
LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.
MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.
METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.
MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.
NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium.
NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.
ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it .
PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing.
PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.
PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.
RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.
SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.
STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.
STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''
24/7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.
UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.
VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.
VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.
WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.
YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.
(Hat tip: Feesh)
ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.
BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders
BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet
BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.
BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.
CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.
CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.
CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.
CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.
CLUBDATER: god's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.
CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.
CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.
DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.
ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.
JAZZ: the only true american art form beloved by europeans.
JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.
LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.
MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.
METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.
MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.
NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium.
NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.
ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it .
PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing.
PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.
PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.
RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.
SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.
STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.
STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''
24/7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.
UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.
VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.
VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.
WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.
YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.
(Hat tip: Feesh)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
New Discovery Channel series: Headliest Catch
A look deep inside the most dangerous trade in America: Vending nitrous.
[cuts to a scene of a greasebag pounding a frozen tank against the pavement]
"so uhh basically when they freeze up... you gotta get em flowin' again. [looks around nervously] the trick is, man... you gotta... dislodge the ice... while at the same time... [looks around nervously again] not drawing too much attention... [looks over his shoulder] to yourself... or they'll confiscate your tanks... [looks around again, this time spotting someone walking towards him in a collared shirt.] SHIT! SIX UP! SIX UP! [takes off running.]"
[pans over to two dudes fist fighting near a tank]
Mike Rowe Narrates: "9 miles from the center of philly. Here, two rival gas dealers are trying to catch the same phish in the same location. Gas vending is very territorial. Each crew has their honey holes, these honey holes have been passed down on charts and road maps through generations of vendors. It's times like these, when someone's in another crew's spot, that things get ugly."
Hat tip: Polarity Brody
Technorati tags: humor, nitrous
[cuts to a scene of a greasebag pounding a frozen tank against the pavement]
"so uhh basically when they freeze up... you gotta get em flowin' again. [looks around nervously] the trick is, man... you gotta... dislodge the ice... while at the same time... [looks around nervously again] not drawing too much attention... [looks over his shoulder] to yourself... or they'll confiscate your tanks... [looks around again, this time spotting someone walking towards him in a collared shirt.] SHIT! SIX UP! SIX UP! [takes off running.]"
[pans over to two dudes fist fighting near a tank]
Mike Rowe Narrates: "9 miles from the center of philly. Here, two rival gas dealers are trying to catch the same phish in the same location. Gas vending is very territorial. Each crew has their honey holes, these honey holes have been passed down on charts and road maps through generations of vendors. It's times like these, when someone's in another crew's spot, that things get ugly."
Hat tip: Polarity Brody
Technorati tags: humor, nitrous
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
FURTHUR AND PRICELINE.COM REACH AMICABLE SETTLEMENT
PRESS RELEASE
Sunday, December 13, 2009-For Immediate Release
FURTHUR AND PRICELINE.COM REACH AMICABLE SETTLEMENT
Top level management for Furthur, Incorporated and Priceline.com have reached a settlement avoiding costly litigation for patent and trade infringements. Both the Grateful Dead community and the Online travel consumer market breathed a collective sigh of relief as the negotiated arrangement both resolved current tensions and paved the way for future cooperation between the two mega corporations.
A high level negotiating team for Priceline.com was led by none other than celebrity spokesperson William Shatner. Furthur, Incorporated was represented by musician, Bob Weir. The two met for several hours and were assisted in their discussions by representatives of several related and interested parties, such as: The American Interpretative Hearing Association which provided sign language interpretation of the negotiations, Lee Majors-representing the Bionic Ear, and others.
The main point of contention was the allegation that Bob Weir of Furthur, Inc was utilizing a vocal style copied almost verbatim of Priceline.com's William Shatner. This vocal style is known as "Shatnerizing" or "Shatneresque". Shatnerizing has been described as the use of a monotone, deadpan delivery with inflection meant to leave the listener puzzled and amused. It is characterized by the utilization of awkward pauses and unnatural phrasing between words and sentences. Mr. Shatner had perfected the technique and was perplexed when he learned that Weir was using his method while singing. Shatner stated " When I-------- Shatnerize------on the--------commercials,-------I do it-----as-----a joke. I--------am actually-------making fun------of------myself. I never-------imagined that--------someone would------try------and sing----using that style.". After listening to recordings of the new band Furthur, attorneys for both sides agreed that Weir had appropriated Shatners vocal style.
Attorneys for Furthur, Inc tried to argue that it was not intentional, that Mr. Weir was simply older now, and despite over 40 years in the rock and roll industry he had literally "forgotten how to sing". When deposed however, Mr. Weir admitted that he was "Shatnerizing" on purpose, stating that "these songs, especially the Garcia songs are just too good to sing right anymore. I chop them up on purpose. I mean, if Phil can sing the Jerry songs in his own way, I need a way to destroy those good old tunes too". When pressed, Weir agreed that he was trying to create a new style. He said "Look, we know what Jerry would have wanted and we know what the fans want to hear and we don't give a sh-t. Some folks think Phil and I sing the Garcia songs out of love and respect for Jerry, that's just not true. We trash his tunes cause we can. It's our band now. We are proving that we are just as much creative geniuses as Garcia was".
The deal will allow Weir to continue to "Shatnerize" his vocals with Furthur and will also signal a corporate merging between Priceline.com and Furthur, Inc. Weir has agreed to become the TV pitchman for Priceline.com upon Shatners retirement or death, whichever comes first thus assuring continuity for the travel corporation. Priceline.com has agreed to become the sole strategic partner to Furthur, Inc for fans to purchase flight and lodging arrangments.
The negotiations had some other side benefits as well. Former Grateful Dead drummer Mickey Hart was brought back into the fold and cut a deal allowing him to portray "Mr. Spock" in any new Star Trek Movies that may be on the horizon.
Furthur guitar player and vocalist John Kadlecik had his entire Star Trek action figure collection signed by Shatner in the deal. "Not too many people know that I was a Trekkie first and a Deadhead later" JK stated. "To me, Space is more than a bathroom break during a show. It is the Final Frontier".
Furthur consultant Jill Lesh learned how to perform both the Vulcan "Death Grip" and the "Mindmelt".
(Hat tip: TheDHJ)
Technorati tags: Furthur, Bob Weir, William Shatner, Priceline
Sunday, December 13, 2009-For Immediate Release
FURTHUR AND PRICELINE.COM REACH AMICABLE SETTLEMENT
Top level management for Furthur, Incorporated and Priceline.com have reached a settlement avoiding costly litigation for patent and trade infringements. Both the Grateful Dead community and the Online travel consumer market breathed a collective sigh of relief as the negotiated arrangement both resolved current tensions and paved the way for future cooperation between the two mega corporations.
A high level negotiating team for Priceline.com was led by none other than celebrity spokesperson William Shatner. Furthur, Incorporated was represented by musician, Bob Weir. The two met for several hours and were assisted in their discussions by representatives of several related and interested parties, such as: The American Interpretative Hearing Association which provided sign language interpretation of the negotiations, Lee Majors-representing the Bionic Ear, and others.
The main point of contention was the allegation that Bob Weir of Furthur, Inc was utilizing a vocal style copied almost verbatim of Priceline.com's William Shatner. This vocal style is known as "Shatnerizing" or "Shatneresque". Shatnerizing has been described as the use of a monotone, deadpan delivery with inflection meant to leave the listener puzzled and amused. It is characterized by the utilization of awkward pauses and unnatural phrasing between words and sentences. Mr. Shatner had perfected the technique and was perplexed when he learned that Weir was using his method while singing. Shatner stated " When I-------- Shatnerize------on the--------commercials,-------I do it-----as-----a joke. I--------am actually-------making fun------of------myself. I never-------imagined that--------someone would------try------and sing----using that style.". After listening to recordings of the new band Furthur, attorneys for both sides agreed that Weir had appropriated Shatners vocal style.
Attorneys for Furthur, Inc tried to argue that it was not intentional, that Mr. Weir was simply older now, and despite over 40 years in the rock and roll industry he had literally "forgotten how to sing". When deposed however, Mr. Weir admitted that he was "Shatnerizing" on purpose, stating that "these songs, especially the Garcia songs are just too good to sing right anymore. I chop them up on purpose. I mean, if Phil can sing the Jerry songs in his own way, I need a way to destroy those good old tunes too". When pressed, Weir agreed that he was trying to create a new style. He said "Look, we know what Jerry would have wanted and we know what the fans want to hear and we don't give a sh-t. Some folks think Phil and I sing the Garcia songs out of love and respect for Jerry, that's just not true. We trash his tunes cause we can. It's our band now. We are proving that we are just as much creative geniuses as Garcia was".
The deal will allow Weir to continue to "Shatnerize" his vocals with Furthur and will also signal a corporate merging between Priceline.com and Furthur, Inc. Weir has agreed to become the TV pitchman for Priceline.com upon Shatners retirement or death, whichever comes first thus assuring continuity for the travel corporation. Priceline.com has agreed to become the sole strategic partner to Furthur, Inc for fans to purchase flight and lodging arrangments.
The negotiations had some other side benefits as well. Former Grateful Dead drummer Mickey Hart was brought back into the fold and cut a deal allowing him to portray "Mr. Spock" in any new Star Trek Movies that may be on the horizon.
Furthur guitar player and vocalist John Kadlecik had his entire Star Trek action figure collection signed by Shatner in the deal. "Not too many people know that I was a Trekkie first and a Deadhead later" JK stated. "To me, Space is more than a bathroom break during a show. It is the Final Frontier".
Furthur consultant Jill Lesh learned how to perform both the Vulcan "Death Grip" and the "Mindmelt".
(Hat tip: TheDHJ)
Technorati tags: Furthur, Bob Weir, William Shatner, Priceline
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Pacifica: Comedy Gold
The left eats its own once again as CounterPunch goes after Pacifica and Grace Aron hits back.
It started with Iain Boal's piece in CounterPunch asserting that
For a trip into the fever swamp, read this story on the NYC Indymedia site. The comments are hilarious.
"New Pacifica's" frontal attack on Democracy Now!
After rejecting Cynthia McKinney for ED, Aaron's Pacifica now turns on Amy Goodman
Technorati tags: WBAI, Pacifica, Democracy Now!, radio, Democracy Now!, moonbats
It started with Iain Boal's piece in CounterPunch asserting that
On September 17 the Governance Committee of the Pacifica National Board passed a resolution expressly designed to find out whether Amy Goodman’s Democracy Now! program is getting CIA funding through covert channels like the Ford Foundation for suppressing the “truth” about the 9/11 “over-up” The author of the resolution, Chris Condon, made it clear that he wrote a motion on funding disclosure specifically to find out "where the hell Amy Goodman's money is coming from".After his opening salvo, Boal changes the subject to discuss how the current situation at Pacifica resembles their problems in 1999.
Under Aaron’s tenure, the stations have been under serious pressure to increase listenership and fundraising by offering miracle cures and 9/11 conspiracist DVDs as donor “thank you gifts”. Pacifica station WBAI in New York made tens of thousands of dollars on gifts promising protection from fungus-causing aerosols that the government is supposedly spraying on its population. It is also symptomatic that at the same time that Aaron favors depoliticized self-help shows, she is reported to fulminate against “pro-Palestinian, pro-immigrant” public affairs programming on the network.Pacifica National Board chair Grace Aron fought back with a letter demanding a retraction. After correcting some of Boal's assertions, she defends her anti-Israel bone fides:
The statement that "she is reported to fulminate against “pro-Palestinian, pro-immigrant” public affairs programming on the network" is untrue. I have a long track record as a peace activist on those issues and I consider this an unfounded smear on my reputation.It's comforting to know that Pacifica has its priorities straight.
For a trip into the fever swamp, read this story on the NYC Indymedia site. The comments are hilarious.
"New Pacifica's" frontal attack on Democracy Now!
After rejecting Cynthia McKinney for ED, Aaron's Pacifica now turns on Amy Goodman
Pacifica recently rejected the application of perhaps the nation's best-known 9/11 Truth activist - former Rep. Cynthia McKinney - for the position of Executive Director. Meanwhile, PNB Governance Committee member Christopher Condon revealed one goal of his resolution - to reduce funding of Democracy Now!, the network's most popular program, in future contract negotiations.You just can't write better comedy.
Technorati tags: WBAI, Pacifica, Democracy Now!, radio, Democracy Now!, moonbats
Friday, October 02, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
The WBAI meltdown continues
An anonymous post at NYC Indymedia describes a Local Station Board (LSB) meeting at which board chair Mitch Cohen and member Steve Brown sought to begin a no-notice evaluation of WBAI General Manager Tony Riddle and Program Director Bernard White.
Technorati tags: WBAI, radio
Technorati tags: WBAI, radio
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Music that will give you teh ghey
Love Gods Way has the definitive list of bands that will make your children gay.
Included in the list of "Safe Bands": Cyndi Lauper, Cheap Trick and Blondie.
Technorati tags: gay, Christian
We Strongly recommend that you burn the CDs. Make sure your child is watching. Make sure they can feel the heat. It is crucial that the image remains emblazoned in their young minds. They need to know that if they continue to listen to these bands they may Burn eternally as well.On the gay list: Phish, The Jonas Brothers, Frank Sinatra and Cole Porter.
Included in the list of "Safe Bands": Cyndi Lauper, Cheap Trick and Blondie.
Technorati tags: gay, Christian
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Quote of the day
Someone once described democracy as 51% of the people agreeing to rob the other 49%.
Technorati tags: democracy
Technorati tags: democracy
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Things I wonder about
Who from Tempe, Arizona and Sacred Heart University find this blog so interesting?
Are really there that many people looking for pictures of Donna Jean?
Are all the 24 fans looking for anything and everything about the show until it comes back?
Are really there that many people looking for pictures of Donna Jean?
Are all the 24 fans looking for anything and everything about the show until it comes back?
Friday, August 22, 2008
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