Musician's Dictionary

AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders

BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet

BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: god's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

JAZZ: the only true american art form beloved by europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it .

PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

24/7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.

UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.

(Hat tip: Feesh)